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I Read These: loriville

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2006-05-17 - 4:19 p.m.

Still dealing with "stuff" from my aunt's passing.

Mental stuff, not material stuff.

Like, in going through her mementos, there were pretty much NO pictures of my sister and me, her ONLY two nieces.

Like, she gave verbal instructions for certain of her things to go to certain people, but nothing about my sister and me.

Like, she really was a selfish, self involved, damaged person. And I'm working on getting to the point where I don't feel guilty that I don't mourn her passing in any huge way, because, frankly, it's no big loss to me.

Spent a lot of shrink time on this yesterday. Because she did some of her "flipping out" in front of me when I was a small child who had no reference point for anyone behaving that way or treating me that way. I can tell you what we had for dinner that night when she snapped at the dinner table. It was over 30 years ago. That's how big an imprint that little episode had on me. to my parents' dad took her to the guest room, and said he was taking her to the airport first thing in the morning. Later that night when she came out and made herself a drink, my mother grabbed the glass from her hand and told her she was NOT going to come into HER house and create this drama and conflict and frighten her children.

But I was five.

I didn't know how to process that.

Up until then, I had loved my aunt.

But now she was scary.

We aren't fun drunks in my family. We're morose and bitter ones.

For YEARS after that, I would dread when she would come to visit. Because she scared me.

She caused my grandparents untold stress. My grandfather paid her rent until the DAY HE DIED. My father has been cleaning up her messes for years. When my gramps did die, she and my dad split the estate. Which was good sized. She died without a will. So at least my father will now get the remainder of gramps' estate. Because it's not HERS. She didn't earn any of it. It's my grandfather's. And according to my mother, my father feels strongly that it is FAMILY MONEY, and something should go to my sister and me.

I'll tell you what, we NEVER did anything that would have made Gramps ashamed. He never had to pay anyone off on our behalf, get us out of a bind, or pay our rent. Oh, he helped us, for sure. Paid for my flying lessons. Generous birthday and Christmas gifts. But we never had a sense of entitlement. She was rewarded all her life for being a fuck up.

So if any money comes my way, good. I hope some does. She always acted like she was the only one, the most important one. Well, her days of drama queen freakjob are over, and I look at any inheritance as reward for those of us who had to clean up the mess, put up with the craziness, and deal with the hurt.

I took some silver pins as remembrances...they were kind of cool looking. This morning while I was getting ready, I heard The Little Voice, which said "give those to Diva". So I did. They didn't mean anything to me. I couldn't make them mean anything to me. All they would do is make me feel negative things. But they are lovely and need someone to love them. And the Diva will. She pinned a lovely crane pin right to her jacket, where it looked like it was born there. She will love them and wear them and they will then be happy pins.

Alway listen to The Little Voice.

4 comments so far
radiogurl - 2006-05-17 18:46:06
I'd say the fact that you do listen to the little voice is a good sign that you are a better person than your departed aunt. And that episode explains to me why (as I understand it) chose not to have children. As much as I love my children and my grandchildren, I am not sure I'd do it again.
LA - 2006-05-17 21:29:32
C, you are one of the most decent people I know. Knocking yourself over not mourning sufficiently for the 'loss' of a bruja like that is just goofy. I think passing the pins on is a wonderful way to disperse some of the yuck attached to your aunt and her cruddy 'legacy'. ~LA
zen - 2006-05-18 10:31:12
hi..i'm zen and i've been reading your archives. wow! you're an amazing woman ya know! i think it's beautiful that you gave the pins to diva. you have a very kind voice~....~zen
Zon - 2006-05-18 14:49:44
You are smart, kind, and compassionate. There's nothing wrong with not mourning someone who isn't missed. And, what LA said: Passing the pins is a nice cathartic move for getting rid of the vibes and, well, yuck. Also, no, lovie. You're not a push-over. Not by a long shot. I am just having wicked, wicked bad issues with men and what I see as masculine traits gone so far awry that they are polluted, and I am going to blame the patriarchy (to borrow from Rumblelizard). Hugs!
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