| 2005-03-15 - 10:19 p.m.
But can she cook?
OK. Cold finally mostly gone. Now I am just TIRED. Was going to go to the Y after work today, and I just. couldn't. Tomorrow I have a post work massage, and perhaps I will give it a try on Thursday. So the guy I made the food for totally made my day today. "Have you always been such a good cook, or did you learn after you got married?" he asked. Me. A good cook! Huh. I didn't know how to answer that at first. I finally came up with "I guess I could always cook, I just don't like to unless I'm cooking for someone". Now I have to come up with more stuff to make for him. Personally, I think the secret is in finding good "base recipes", and going from there. I am so my gramma. Final boobie doc visit yesterday. She's a surgeon, and from NY. I could tell by the accent. So she is a little brusque for us midwest types. But that's ok. I made her laugh. No problem with the boobies. She couldn't even feel anything. While she was poking around, I jokingly said "If you want to write on my chart that I need a reduction, that's ok with me". "Do you want a reduction?" "Oh yeah. Insurance turned me down". She asked a few questions about back pain, grooves from the bra straps, etc. She called me into her office while she dictated her notes to my dr. And in her dictation, she made note of the girls' extra large size, and said "in the insurance company denying her this surgery, I believe they failed to provide the correct care to this patient". So. If I want to start that little project over again, I can. I will wait till I next meet with my primary care doc, AKA "Dr. Belt, Suspenders and Duct Tape", and bring it up with her. What else? Oh, there's some heavy family shit I need to deal with in therapy. I've been stuffing and compartmentalizing and all that good stuff. But my sister visited my parents last week, and as she always does when she sees them, gives me a report on all the things that are wrong there. I prefer to just let them be, and not take responsibility for their issues. But she brings it all up, and I start to stew. See, depression runs in our family. And alcoholism. My dad's dealt with both, and probably could still stand for some help with the former. And I had this lightbulb moment the other night. I have issues with my mom. I tend to be able to identify with my dad....not that I don't have issues with him as well. But my lightbulb was this: we've spent all these years focusing on HIM as The Problem. But that's not the case. We are ALL The Problem. My mom thinks if she can just fix everyone around her, then everything will be perfect. Um. There's a little pot. kettle. black. going on there. And my self hatred? I'm seeing it coming from the mom. While looking at some notes I made today (notes for no one but me, only needed today), I noted all my "mistakes" and scratch outs, and I remembered when I was kid and she scolded me for using my eraser too much when I was doing homework. Yeah. I erased too much. I guess I was supposed to not need to erase. But I'm scared to deal with some of these issues. Because Everything Is Fine when we pretend it is. I don't want to have to dredge stuff up. I don't want to have to confront and have "closure". I don't want to blame parents who were only doing the best they could, with the best intentions, and who did a pretty good job, all things considered. I grew up with a strong edict that you didn't blab family stuff all over. You didn't share family stuff. It was no one's business. So even sharing with a therapist would be somehow disloyal and wrong. Sigh. I thought I was making so much progress with the shrink, and now all this other sewage is coming up. Gah.
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