| 2004-03-31 - 1:49 p.m.
Self Loathing
I am so sick of hating myself. Just HATING myself. Last night, after Husband got his belated B!rthday $ex, I asked him "do you like yourself?" "Of course" he said. Totally foreign concept to me. Like. YourSELF? Nu uh. No, I couldn't say that. The best I can do is not totally loathe. I don't know why friends like me, why my husband adores me (what is wrong with HIM?), why my employer thinks I'm competent (does he?), etc, etc. I think of myself in social situations, and I'm starting to replay conversations and behaviors and worry that I'm just an idiot. You know the person....the weirdo that everyone sort of humors, is kind to, but doesn't really LIKE. Because really. How COULD someone like me? I have free floating guilt...it's like, when I'm feeling OK, I just feel guilty for no reason. The 'zac has been a godsend. Really. I hate to think how completely non functional I would be without it. But it's time for something else. I have my first appointment with a therapist on Monday morning. I got a number from a friend, and called this afternoon. She could have seen me TOMORROW, but with all that's going on at work, I thought I'd wait till next week. I'm just tired of hating myself. So I'm gonna give therapy a try. A real try. I'm gonna go in there thinking she can help me. I'm gonna try. I'm not going to tell her what I think she wants to hear. I'll be honest and really work at it. I won't be like so many people I've known who try to outsmart the therapist. What the hell good would that do? I want to feel better. I want to be better. I want to find my license to be free.
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