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I Read These: loriville

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2004-01-29 - 11:31 p.m.
SAD, anyone?

Yeah, I know I shouldn't whine about no shoes when some people have no feet.

But it's my journal and I'll whine if I want to.

AGAIN, there was a work crisis. AGAIN, I had to fix it. A failed UPS this afternoon led to a computer lockup this evening that led to nothing on the air.

And guess who got the call? So I got out of my pajamas and got dressed and went into work at TEN FUCKING THIRTY in TEN FUCKING DEGREE COLD, and I changed channels and deleted files and rebooted and made sure everything was as it should be.

On the drive to and from, I fantasized about pulling in front of a truck, aiming for a telephone pole, or just plain going too fast for the snow and ice covered roads, to see what would happen.

I'm just so overwhelmingly tired. I think we are at the part of the winter in which the prozac does no, I take that's doing all the good it can do, it's just not enough. It is, however, keeping me from crying, which is odd. Everything is a struggle. Getting up. Going to sleep. Zipping my jacket. Keeping control of my eating....I want to bury myself in chocolate and ice cream and M & Ms. I'm exercising, but I'm still exhausted.

I'm tired. I'm tired of how any feeling good is ALWAYS, ALWAYS quashed within hours. If I'm feelin' good after yoga or spinning, then there has to be some work catastrophe to balance it out. I am not allowed to feel good for any extended period of time, apparently. I can never be perfect enough. I will always leave room for criticism, especially my own.

Right now, I'm really, really tired. I'm so over it all.....I want to be done.

1 comments so far
LA - 2004-01-30 10:27:12
It's okay to feel pit-sy. Hey, my little "I am Diet Woman hear me roar!" thing yesterday was written in a white heat of "If I don't have an entire cheesecake this second I'm going to DIE!". Mid-winter doldrums. Diet burn-out. And YOU have a demanding and frustrating job situation too! Ye Gods, you wouldn't be human if that shit didn't get to you once in a while. Good luck battling your blues. I'm here. I'm listening. I think you're brave, strong, and fabulous. ~LA
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