| 2002-04-13 - 3:47 p.m.
Growl snarl hiss
This will be another bitching about work entry, so if you can't hang, come back another day. I fucking hate this place. The fucking asshole engineer needs his ass kicked. He got all snotty with me about a deck that didn't load. Never mind that the command that didn't execute was part of the list I DIDN'T change. Fuck him. His email about The Incident was titled "Saturday Automation FAILURE". And THEN he gave me this crap about "we really had to scramble when the wrong thing fired". Oh kiss my economy sized butt. You want scramble because something didn't work? That's my entire fucking life here. And the scrambling that takes place because HE forgets stuff when he's "fixing" things?! Please. So I'm here board opping for the fucking boring opera, that only four people listen to. And the damn thing ends at THREE THIRTY. So my brainless shift has now turned into an hour and a half of classical hosting, since I need to fill until ATC. Thank god Carmina Burana is an hour long. I'm taking a break now from cleaning my pit of a desk/cube. I pretty much want to throw everything out. Fuck it. Nothing is important. The world won't end if that goddamn piece of paper is missing. You know, the anger I feel right now is scaring me. I'm so fucking angry at my goddam life and this fucking job. I want to hurt and destroy. I want to throw a tantrum of giant proportions. And in the big scheme of things, I mean, big fucking deal, I have to work extra hours. What's the problem? I don't know. But I do know I can't stand it. I can't stand the responsiblity w/o compensation. I can't stand the disrespect. I can't stand that I'm left with the shit end of the stick when things don't go according to plan. Beloved had to work this morning, I have to work this afternoon and evening. Last night was fucking worthless...he didn't get over until 8ish, we ate, we channel surfed, and there was nothing on. He fell asleep. We went to bed. My life is just SUCK. There's no place in it for meaning. It's just all about getting through to the next goddamn day that will be the same as this one. Ad nauseam. We were supposed to check out the bakery for our wedding cake today. Couldn't. Beloved hasn't called the minister yet. I'm reading stuff from these super obsessed brides who talk about this being "their year", and I'm wondering where the fuck they find the time to wallow in their brideness. Their YEAR??? I thought we got a day, tops. Thank god my mom is doing all the planning, because I don't know when I'd be able to. And thank god for Beloved, because w/o him, I probably would have offed myself by now. Our relationship is the only good thing in my life, and I could be a lot happier if I had more time to spend on the good stuff instead of this other stuff that just takes over. And I'm sorry if you're reading this entry thinking "man. what a BITCH." Tough. I guess I am. Because this is the only place I can say this stuff.
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