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| 2001-10-31 - 11:36 p.m.
The Issue
Well. I've just spent an hour sitting in the car with The Beloved, discussing The Issue. It began with me asking the simple question "So, when you go through Indy, do you stop?" To his credit, he answered me honestly and didn't hedge. To my DIScredit, I immediately began to cry. Couldn't help it, the tears just came. He again emphasized that there's nothing for me to worry about, that he's not "stepping out on me", which I DO believe. I just said the sneaky aspect really hurt me--the idea that he felt it necessary to keep it from me was bothersome. "Well, I knew if I said where I'd been , you'd ask if I'd told her yet". We went round and round and ROUND. I asked if she'd threatened anything dangerous, and he vehemently denied that. I really, REALLY tried to understand, but I couldn't. And, quite honestly, he can't either. I kept asking what he was afraid of, what is the worst thing that could happen. He said there's no rational reason. The worst thing he came up with was her getting pissed off and saying he couldn't see the dog any more....to which he (thankfully) added "and if she does that, well, fine, I guess I don't get to see the dog". He doesn't want to hurt her...he somehow feels a loyalty to her, or a responsibility for her. He doesn't want to "abandon" her. And I pointed out again and again that his primary responsibility is TO ME.....and that in many ways, she abandoned him years ago. That this issue has been the reason for ALL of our major blow ups. I admitted that I may not be rational in my feelings about it, but bottom line was that it hurts me, and he needs to fix it. I said it is really hurtful for me to think of him sitting with her visiting, having small talk, and I don't even come up...I mean, given the things we do together and the time we spend together.....to just.....dismiss that as not even worth mention. It's incredibly hurtful to me. He doesn't quite grasp that one. Bottom line is, he said he do it this weekend. He said he'd toyed with the idea of doing via wedding invitation, or explaining when he had to give her a new phone number. I said I had visions of me not being able to answer my own phone after we got married, in case it was her. I also suggested he talk with his assistant, Erica, who seems to be a "work confidant" for him. He thought that was a good idea, and then said "maybe I should talk to one of my sisters". So. He promised me this weekend. And he knows I'll ask....and he said that may be the thing that gets him to do it, knowing that he's gotta face me when he gets back. Whatever it takes. I'm alternating between being SO angry and feeling like I kicked a puppy. I mean, he's SO good to me, and I KNOW how much he loves me....am I being rotten by not overlooking this one thing, even though it hurts me so much? I've had one friend tell me I'm being ridiculous, this is a stupid thing for me to worry about, and others have told me to stand my ground. Watch this space for further details.
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