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| 2001-08-29 - 11:30 p.m.
promises
awwwwww HELL. Shitdamnhell. I'm just....just. Fuck. It's a boyfriend issue, see. We've been dating 19 months. Damn near two years. And the ex he's still friendly with doesn't know about me. That has been a sore spot for me for, oh, I dunno...15 months...and getting more sore all the time. He talks with her now and then, and she lives two hours away. He's not told her because....fuck....I don't know. He doesn't want to hurt her. He doesn't want her to get mad and not let him see the dog. I DON'T KNOW. I finally told him I wanted that issue resolved, and that he needed to tell me a date by which it would be resolved. I promised not to bring it up until then, trusting that he would do as he promised. Well. The deadline came. And went. And three more weeks went by. And no, he didn't tell her. FUCK! So now, I'm upset about two things...the whole tell the ex thing, which is now secondary to the whole "he didn't keep his word" thing. And what am I supposed to do? Break up? Stop seeing him until he does this thing? WHAT? And it's not like I'm not paranoid on my own. Now I have all this ammo to think up new reasons to be paranoid and insecure. And the big thing that scares me is that when the rubber hits the road, when it comes right down to it, he's not going to be able to make the committment to me that he's promising to make. He's gonna just wuss out and not be able to do it. And there I'll be, left high and dry. The cheese standing alone. Again. Still. At this point, shouldn't he be caring about the feelings of the women he's with? The woman who tells him on a daily basis how wonderful he is, how much she loves him? Not the woman who wouldn't sleep with him for six years and who treated him like a fucking hired hand. Part of me wants to yell and scream. Part of me wants to walk, tell him, "fine. you made your choice". But what if he didn't come after me? Is this the hill I want to die on? Is this the deal breaker? I'm getting more and more upset as I think about it. All the little things that bug me, things that are hardly significant, things that can be dealt with normally, those things are all ganging up right now, into one big IT AIN'T GONNA WORK sign. Gotta sleep on it.
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