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I Read These: loriville

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2006-03-21 - 1:59 p.m.
Black Dog

This is not an uplifting entry.

There is no reason for it, you know.

No reason for what Churchill called "The Black Dog".

There is no trauma in my life. I have a great husband...I am healthy. I have food (too much at times), shelter. Health insurance and a decent car. Lots of debt, but nothing that we aren't handling.

But I want to be dead. Every night I go to sleep and wish I was dead.

This is hard to write.

Because there's no reason. I have much to be happy about, and if not happy, at least content and not depressed. I'm an ingrate. And no one likes a whiner.

But I don't want to be here. It all seems pointless. I seem pointless. I have no fear of what happens after, because in my belief system, it's either heaven or nothing. So if it's heaven, cool. If it's nothing....oh well. I won't know.

Oh, I wouldn't DO anything. I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of PAIN. Hence the wising and hoping for death while I sleep.

I'm under no delusions about my importance in the universe. The world would have been fine if I'd never been born, it'll be fine when I'm gone...I'm not that big a deal. Really. It's ok.
It's just...just....just...gah. Apathy and ennui.

Yeah. I should probably call the shrink. I feel like someone substituted a placebo for my prozac.

5 comments so far
Zon - 2006-03-21 17:19:19
Yikes. So sorry you're feeling this way. Please do make that call. Something is amiss. Hugs and more hugs.
LA - 2006-03-21 18:05:10
Yup. Sounds like it's time for a different kind of puppy upper. God, Depression sucks such major ass! I hate it more than MS, if you can believe that. True, though. MS I can battle against, but Depression? Who can muster the energy? That's the whole bloody point. Sucks the will to live at all, let alone fight back. Please call your shrink, hon. ~LA
LA (again) - 2006-03-21 23:13:52
Red Shirt! Red Shirt! ~LA
Loriville - 2006-03-22 01:38:26
Wow. I'm so sorry! I battled clinical depression back in '95. It is truly horrible to live life that way. Definitely call your doctor and keep searching for the right medication. Life will be fabulous again, I promise!
radiogurl - 2006-03-22 10:13:24
Sweetie, I've been where you are. I agree with everyone else on this page: time to talk to your doctor about a change in meds. You not only don't have to live in that state of mind, you shouldn't. Would you just continue to suffer through an infection if the first antibiotic didn't work? No. Depression is no less valid a disease and is as much in need of treatment.
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