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I Read These: loriville

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2005-10-22 - 9:12 p.m.
Why, Hello there! writing for a while because nothing to say. really.

Had fund drive at work the past ten days. Didn't make the goal. About 8 K short. We're actually not as depressed about it as we could be. It was still a tidy sum, it'll still be business as usual. Our ratings were up in the last survey period, so we know people are out there. But there's been so much lately....the tsunami, the hurricanes, gas prices, and news that it's going to cost a ton to heat our homes this winter. I just hope people remember where they go to find out all that latest news which has an impact on their lives....

Watching world series now. Husband is a ch1sox fan, so he's a happy boy. He went to IU football game today, then we quick like ran to the costume store so we could rent him a gangster costume for a dance we're going to on Friday. I have my flapper costume all set, and bought a feather boa to add to it.

Besides, every girl should have a feather boa, I think.

So I had a therapy revelation today. I was pissed at my boss because we went out for burgers and beer after the drive today, and he was a no show. Just like he was a no show to my party last spring, and a no show to the last chips and margaritas post drive lunch. After he looked me in the eye and said he'd be at all of those.

Now, I still think it's just not nice to weasel out at the last minute all the time. BUT..while driving home from the pub, the lightbulb went off.

I grew up with a non participatory father. I have never been to the movies with my dad. Never gone bowling with him. My mom and sister and I would play games, he wouldn't play with us. Asking him to do things always scared me...because his first reaction was usually something kind of hostile, then if he did comply, it was often grudgingly. I guess that's what happens when a depressed person self medicates with alcohol. When I hooked up with Husband, it took me a long time to not be afraid when I asked him things, or made requests of his time.

Anyway...the lightbulb was this whole "disappointed by father figure yet again" thing.

Gah. There have been some good bulbs going on this week. All about my adult child of an alcoholic desire to be "good enough" to Make Everything Right. When I frickin' know intellectually that I am not that powerful....I can't control the universe. But I can't kill the little voice that under times of stress tries to tell me that if I were only "fill in the blank" ENOUGH, everyone ELSE would be happy and I could make it all ok.

Well, it gives me something to talk about with the shrink next week, that's for sure.

1 comments so far
radiogurl - 2005-10-22 23:08:35
If it makes you feel any better, you don't have to have an alcoholic parent to feel like you're never good enough. My parents didn't drink or do drugs - though they constantly drummed into me how I wasn't good enough.
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