| 2004-11-16 - 11:25 p.m.
Yipes. That describes ME
Thanks for the kind words after yesterday's entry. But LA hit it on the button. NOTHING about me "counts" because I'm fat. That's how I feel. Everything is tempered with "but I'm fat". And let's all be honest, shall we? That's what society thinks, isn't it? When I'm out in public, people aren't seeing me and thinking "wow, I bet she has a great sense of humor/is smart/is good at her job/is a loving wife/a good friend/kind to small animals". No. People look at us fat people and think "whoa, lay off the cheeseburgers, porky". And right now, I can't lay off the cheeseburgers, and it is freaking me out. (Defnitely time to have more shrinkage....) I googled "compulsive eating", and here is one of the first things that came up. This part in particular: Compulsive Overeating may temporarily relieve the stress of these unwanted feelings, but for the Compulsive Overeater the overeating episodes are unfortunately followed by feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, and further depression. Um. Yeah. Guilt? Check. Shame? Yepper. Disgust? Ding ding ding. I'm seriously scared I'm gonna eat myself to 400 pounds. I lost 40. I've gained back half of that. WHAT THE FUCK? I should be smarter than that. I AM smarter than that. I say again. WHAT. THE. FUCK. (Prolonged dieting. Yeah. Couple that with a nearly year long plateau....trigger time. It's called what the fuck, "nothing matters and what if it did?" ) So. Definitely going to work on this with the shrink. Hypnosis and everything. I may print this thing I just found and take it to her. But...there's a wrinkle in shrinkdom. The hospital that ran the outpatient behavioral health practice where my therapist was closed. Therapist went into private practice at another place. Here's the rub: Insurance. Shrink (actually LCSW) was on the plan at the old place. Her new practice is on the "approved" list, but SHE isn't. Theoretically, I could see anyone at the place except her and be covered. So. Until the insurance company gets its act together, and gets her back on the list, I am self paying. This cuts my visits down considerably. I can swing one a month if I am paying myself, but I'm thinking two a month might be idea at this point. She even cut ten bucks off the rate last visit. Stupid insurance company. I mean...she was an approved provider before her office was CLOSED and all the therapists were let go. She moves to place where all the providers are approved, and the insurance company is dilly dallying around about it. I called and emailed the insurance company, and their customer service people couldn't find their butts with two hands and a map. They were, shall we say, less than helpful. So I wait. There's going to be a lot of food and weight stuff in this journal. It's my place to talk it out, put down my feelings. And maybe if I do that enough, I will figure out what is making me want to eat constantly.
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