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I Read These: loriville

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2004-11-15 - 4:39 p.m.
I can't

I can't count every morsel that goes into my mouth.

I can't fight being hungry for hours every afternoon because I only have "x" points left and have to save them for dinner, which I won't get until 7:30, because that's when Husband will finally be home.

I can't become completely obsessed with what I'm eating and when and how much and OMIGOD what can I eat tomorrow, and if I eat this now, I can't have something tomorrow, and spin class means I can have a taco, and oh look, the scale didn't move again!

I can't do this. And I feel like a horrible failure. It really is so simple. Eat less. Move more. Take in less than you put out. I'm not stupid. I KNOW this stuff.

It's not so simple. I can't do this, and I wonder if I am going to become one of those women I see around town, breathing heavily and rocking from side to side as I walk. Or will I be one who needs the little scooter to get around because I'm just so damn fat my knees won't take it any more?

I can't. I should. But I can't. I look at a weight loss journey and want to die. It all seems to hopeless and pointless.

I can't.

3 comments so far
LA - 2004-11-15 19:48:45
Sweetie, it hurts me to see you so down on yourself. Brave, beautiful, kind, smart, loving, all of those disappear under the fat? I'm NOT chiding. I was there for many, many, many years and know whereof you speak. It is not easy. Nor does the end result guarantee the pain and struggle was worth it. Honestly? I just traded one fucked up eating behavior for another. If I eat more than once a day the alarms go off. The sirens blare. And I'm pinned to the wall by the merciless glare of the Fat Police. I broke down and cried for an hour because I had breakfast AND dinner in the same day. So whatever you do, do not look to me and think, "LA lost her weight. I'm a failure because I can't do the same." We both need to learn how to be kinder to ourselves. ~LA
Pandionna - 2004-11-15 21:52:44
Hug you.
Violet - 2004-11-16 12:08:55
You can!
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