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2004-11-10 - 7:42 p.m.
Fat Woman Shopping

This is another fat lady goes shopping rant.

You have been warned.

So. My cousin is getting hitched in DC on New Year's Eve. This requires new duds. This ain't your average midwestern wear your dress hockey jersey kind of wedding. So I start looking for something in the little black dress department. Ask a co worker if I can borrow something of hers. She comes up with a lovely black velvet number, but it has no sleeves. OK, if I have to, I can buy one of those shrug thingies and wear it. But let's look for a dress, shall we?

So I go online, typing in things like "formalwear for fat heifers" and "tent sized cocktail dresses" and manage to find some cute stuff that isn't a size 2. But tell me, WHAT do designers have against sleeves?!? I found
this , and this , and I liked this one , too.

Looked up where I can buy this line in town, and headed out after work to Von Maur, the chi chi woo woo store in town.

The same one I went to for a honeymoon nightie and found exactly NOTHING that would fit me.


Not a brilliant idea.

Nothing. Nada. I mean, yeah, a couple of things I HATED. A couple of things that would make me look like the grandma of the bride. Walked all around the"lifestyle center" and found NOTHING.

Christ. I live in one of the fattest cities in the US. We aren't in the top 25, but we're fat. Oh yeah. And I'm not even NEAR being the fattest fattie I see each day. All of us fatties need clothes. And sometimes, fatties get married, or have Fancy Places to go to, and we need nice clothes. Life ain't all the Old Country Buffet and pork rinds, yanno. There's a huge market for nice fat people clothes, and I can't find squat here in fattiesville. Someone is losing out on a lotta money, is all I'm sayin'...

And THEN...I hear about this Fantastic New Product called Spanx,and I get me a pair of the high rise smooth the belly kind. I do not know how this is possible, but I looked FATTER when I got the things on. I looked positively PREGNANT. I had to go downstairs to show Husband, it was so freaky. The things took all the extra flesh they could find and squooshed it all together in a pregnancy like blob.

So. I'm not enamored of the spanx.....

As usual after a shopping trip to anyplace other than a designated Whale World, I loathe myself. Worthless fat disgusting blob who has no beeswax going to a Fancy Wedding and polluting our nation's capital with her ugly fat fleshy self.

Yeah. I'm in a REAL good mood right now....

2 comments so far
Joan - 2004-11-10 22:39:05
Have you tried Ulla Popken on-line...sometimes has fashionable things...size 12-??? and sometimes you can even find coupons. I LOVE her denim, but of course that's not appropriate for a wedding...just a thought. She does have dressy things.
LA - 2004-11-11 08:43:10
If I were choosing one I'd buy the tuxedo dress. I looooove that look. The other two are delightful as well, though I'd be hesitant about the mermaid shape on the beaded one. That's a hard shape to pull off unless the dress is the absolute correct length. I don't know what the deal is with the sleeveless crap either. My upper arms haven't seen the light of day since I was in elementary school. I've always thought tank tops were gross. Even pretzel stick armed people look dumb in tank tops. So why on a night when I want to feel my prettiest would I wear anything sleeveless? Duh. And I'd say the very fact that you want to cut a swath at the wedding means you couldn't possibly be a 'worthless fattie'. A worthless fattie would wear her K-mart capris and a tank top and not even try at all. You know darn well that you are a beatiful and well loved woman who deserves to shine in a dress that is as beautiful as you are. So nah. Love, LA
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