| 2004-02-14 - 12:37 a.m.
Ain't that a kick in the head
Husband brought a huge bunch of flowers to me at work today. Brought them his own self. And in the bunch are my faves, Stargazer lilies. He knows my favorite flower. We had a night out tonight, a party. At the party were many people from both of our work circles, past and present. Our best man was there, as was the matron of honor and her husband the groomsman...the couple who introduced us. The couple who introduced us who are having problems. Big problems. Big problems because he is being a stupid stupid man in his mid life crisis. I want to beat him. I felt physically sick hearing about what's going on. I wanted to cry. I'm furious. What in the WORLD would make a man say "I don't think I love you any more, and I'm not sure if I ever did" What the FUCK would make you say that to someone? She raised her two boys alone, and when she married this assclown, she told him..."This is it. I am not going through another divorce. I'm not going to do this to another child. Do not marry me if you can't deal." And now, ten years later, he suddenly can't deal. He's in unrequited love with someone else. He wants HER to understaaaaaand the pain HE is in, and give him space, and time, and no pressure. He says he "deserves to be happy". He thinks he deserves a fricking medal because he hasn't slept with anyone else. Fucker. I'm so angry for her. And scared. Most of the people I work with are unhappily married. Is my own happiness doomed as well? Is my husband going to freak out and decide he needs a fancy car and a hot new girl? That he's not sure if he ever loved me? That he needs space to figure out what he wants? Do they all freak out at some point, and purposely hurt the women they once loved, the women who love them? Does this ALWAYS have to happen? Does ANYONE get to live happily ever after? I'm not stupid, I know there will be hard times, and fights, and days when I want to punch him in the nose. And I suppose there will be days when the sound of my voice makes him roll his eyes and wish for just a little peace and quiet. But are we really going to wonder if we ever loved each other? And express that out loud? Please, no. Please. I love this man, and I love me with him, and I love our relationship. I don't want to go to that hateful, bitter place. But no one wants to go there, I wouldn't think. But so many end up there. So how do I keep away? How?
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