Days In The Life

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2003-07-13 - 6:42 p.m.
blah blah blahhhhhh

Feel TERRIBLY blah today. A carryover from yesterday, I'm sure. Since I've been all Prozac'd up, I still sometimes have a day or two that feels like old times. But the difference here, I suppose, is that it's a day or two...not a way of life.

I hope.

The weekend ended much as it began, with a phone call from work. Luckily, I WAS actually able to fix the problem from home, which is always a good thing. But dayum. Just dayum. As I've said many times before....I'm glad to have the VPN, and I also resent it. Big time.

So tired. Just. So. Tired. Husband says it's from us "sleeping too much" on the weekend. As if. I mean, yeah, we did sleep until about 10:30 both days, but Saturday was because of our late night out on Radio Rescue Duty Friday, and this morning because....well..I dunno why. We just kept sleeping.

Yesterday's glums came from a guilt feeling I couldn't shake...guilt from missing Diva's call and not being able to fix the problem on Saturday morning. Guilt because she always seems to be the one pointing out my mistakes, and even though she isn't capable of doing one tenth of the technical stuff I do in a day, she's QUITE capable of thinking me an idiot because of technical snafus. Guilt guilt guilt. Because no matter how hard I try, no matter that I saved part of Saturday morning by getting out of bed on Friday night...no matter what I do, it isn't enough. More shit happens that I can't take care of, and, in my mind, that negates any good I might have done.

Because, of course, on the Colz Scale of Stuff, there are two choices: "Excellent" and "Sucky failure". Nothing in between.

As you can see, today isn't a good day.

We did some gardening yesterday...finally had a chance to pull some of those evil weeds and get the grass that grows in the cracks in the driveway. Amazing how much less hillbilly it looks when you get that shit cleaned up. The vegetable garden, such as it is, is doing well. We have one almost grown green pepper, and lots and LOTS of pepper buds and flowers. This makes me very happy, as I LOVE sweet red peppers, and I resent paying a buck a piece for them at the grocery. So it looks like our two plants will be money well spent. The tomatoes are doing well, too, lots of buds, lots of tomatoes, healthy looking. Let's hope the gohper from last year has moved on to another neighborhood.

After the weeding, I decided I REALLY needed to get on my bike, floodwaters be damned. So I headed out and managed about 4 miles. Naturally, I had to find a different path, as the park is still pretty flooded. I ended up riding around much of the flooded area. The smell. Oh my lord, the SMELL. A cross between lake and sewer. And these poor people had that filthy water in the HOUSES. I rode past the sandbag dikes, and the piles of personal belongings that were piled in the garages and driveways, and I just felt so SORRY for those people. And this flood was proof that living in a nice neighborhood in an expensive home doesn't spare you. Some of the homes that flooded were in a Very Nice Area. In fact, I ride by them on my bike and lust after many of them. Not anymore, I don't think. Dream House's location is at the top of a very tall hill, I think.

Today was Official Weigh In Day, and let's just say it didn't do much to help my depressed mood. Half a fucking pound. A pound, tops. Fuck. Me. I mean...what IS the goddamn point here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, getting more fit. But see, here's the thing...when people look at me, they don't think "wow, I bet she lifts weights three times a week, takes a yoga class and bikes 30 miles a week". No. They think "lay off the Ho Ho's Porkella". I'm writing down everything I eat. I SHOULD be moving. But this damned Eastern European peasant genetic blueprint wants to ready me for the next famine.

I've been involved in a discussion on wedding channel this week about "sizism". And it's been eye opening and depressing. VERY depressing. Some of these folks are so filled with contempt for fat people it's amazing. And what's even MORE amazing, they DENY it while at the same time spouting it. Thing one: "I lost the twenty pounds I gained after the baby/after college/after I got married, so I know it can be done" is NOT the same thing as "Losing 20 pounds is...a start". I'm not saying it's EASY, lord no. I'm saying it is ATTAINABLE. Even at my sluglike pace, I'd be halfway there if 20 pounds were my goal. At my current pace, I will be officially "fat" for, oh, another YEAR. Thing two: Don't EVEN spout that "it's bad for your health and we want you to be healthy" crap. In a macro sense, yeah, I'll buy that...we want the population in general to be healthy. But I DO NOT FOR A SECOND think that when some fat hater looks at me, their first thought is "OhmyGOSH. I hope her cholesterol is OK!" Nuh uh. It's probably more like "sheesh. Glad I don't look like her. She must be really lazy and eat nothing but ice cream." It's hatred they use the health excuse to hide behind.

I know, I rant and rave about this a lot. Heck, my journal is probably a bunch of repetitive stuff you're tired of reading about. Believe you me, if you think YOU wish I had a more exciting life, think how I must feel about it....

Anyway....

Exercise yesterday: gardening, bike ride

Exercise today: weight circuit

Total pounds gone: 9

1 comments so far
Michelle - 2003-07-13 22:08:41
You're right. Sizism sucks the big one (no pun intended). And it really, REALLY sucks that the pounds that took all of two seconds to gain refuse to budge. I'm right there with you, hon. All I can say is, keep it going. (and that's being said to myself as well as to you.) Good luck!
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