2003-06-11 - 9:34 p.m.
OK..now it's hot.....
Here's something that dawned on me this morning--why in the HELL does anyone live where I live? OK...we had an ass biting cold winter that went on FOREVER. It was in the 50s last week. Today? Today was 75 degrees with EIGHTY PERCENT HUMIDITY. Do you KNOW what that feels like? Sheeeit. So our climatological profile goes something like: Months of ass biting cold. Handful of nice spring days. Oppressive heat for three to four months. Ass biting cold is back
Not a lot to report today. We managed to get a week at the condo in August, which thrills us both. Smoky Mountains, here we come! We might even hit Dollywood while we're there. All I know is that I need a serious vacation, and I hope I make it till then. Husband's house closes on the 20th. YAY! They are putting the new roof on now. It'll look nice. But I'm still pissed that we have to do it, even if the buyer is forking over another grand. But once we're out from under that house, we can start making real headway on all the debts. Came home from work today and went for another bike ride in the park. So I again feel virtuous, if exhausted. My complaint for today...group of young men playing catch with a football in the middle of the bike/running/walking path. Helloooooo. You're in a PARK. There are large grassy areas all over the place. Sometimes I get a brief bit of worry for my safety when I'm biking alone. While the park is well populated, there ARE groups of young men wandering about, and I'm sorry, but groups of young men scare me. I try to stick to the most heavily travelled stretches of the path, but sometimes it's nice to venture a little farther afield, and I hate to be a worrier when I do.
Made a terrible mistake this evening. I stood on the scale. I honestly have had no idea how much I weigh for about four or 5 years....when I go to the doctor, I stand on the scale backwards and have the nurse write it down.
Well, all I can say is HOLY FUCK. I could play in the NFL. I could box. I could play Mongo in Blazing Saddles. Even with my good, nay GREAT behavior of the past month, I am still Carnie Wilson before the surgery. How can my husband love me? Fear? After all, I could crush him like a grape. I need to lose an entire person in order to be "normal". And that ain't gonna happen. I've been feeling so good about what I've been doing, and one little step on the stupid scale was like a bucket of cold water. A bucket of cold water that said "you're a fat worthless fuck who won't ever be normal sized, so why even bother." I should never eat again. I should staple gun my mouth shut.
And dammit, I spend most of the day being hungry! Special K for breakfast, with toast and a banana. Guess no more toast and banana. Hungry by about 11. Get a wrap, a Subway or a smoothie for lunch....ALL under 500 calories. String cheese for a snack if I'm REALLY going to eat my own arm. Lots of water (I think I peed 8 times at work today). Normal dinner. OK, a dish of ice cream, but shit...a DISH, not a PINT. And I've ramped up the exercise from "Sloth" to "exercises more days than not".
Just. Fuckit. I thought I had it well in hand, good perspective going, etc, and then I stood on that damn scale.
Excercise done today: 45 minute bike ride
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