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2003-06-11 - 9:34 p.m.
OK..now it's hot.....

Here's something that dawned on me this morning--why in the HELL does anyone live where I live? OK...we had an ass biting cold winter that went on FOREVER. It was in the 50s last week. Today? Today was 75 degrees with EIGHTY PERCENT HUMIDITY. Do you KNOW what that feels like? Sheeeit. So our climatological profile goes something like: Months of ass biting cold. Handful of nice spring days. Oppressive heat for three to four months. Ass biting cold is back

Not a lot to report today. We managed to get a week at the condo in August, which thrills us both. Smoky Mountains, here we come! We might even hit Dollywood while we're there. All I know is that I need a serious vacation, and I hope I make it till then.

Husband's house closes on the 20th. YAY! They are putting the new roof on now. It'll look nice. But I'm still pissed that we have to do it, even if the buyer is forking over another grand. But once we're out from under that house, we can start making real headway on all the debts.

Came home from work today and went for another bike ride in the park. So I again feel virtuous, if exhausted. My complaint for today...group of young men playing catch with a football in the middle of the bike/running/walking path. Helloooooo. You're in a PARK. There are large grassy areas all over the place.

Sometimes I get a brief bit of worry for my safety when I'm biking alone. While the park is well populated, there ARE groups of young men wandering about, and I'm sorry, but groups of young men scare me. I try to stick to the most heavily travelled stretches of the path, but sometimes it's nice to venture a little farther afield, and I hate to be a worrier when I do.

Made a terrible mistake this evening. I stood on the scale. I honestly have had no idea how much I weigh for about four or 5 years....when I go to the doctor, I stand on the scale backwards and have the nurse write it down.

Well, all I can say is HOLY FUCK. I could play in the NFL. I could box. I could play Mongo in Blazing Saddles. Even with my good, nay GREAT behavior of the past month, I am still Carnie Wilson before the surgery. How can my husband love me? Fear? After all, I could crush him like a grape. I need to lose an entire person in order to be "normal". And that ain't gonna happen. I've been feeling so good about what I've been doing, and one little step on the stupid scale was like a bucket of cold water. A bucket of cold water that said "you're a fat worthless fuck who won't ever be normal sized, so why even bother." I should never eat again. I should staple gun my mouth shut.

And dammit, I spend most of the day being hungry! Special K for breakfast, with toast and a banana. Guess no more toast and banana. Hungry by about 11. Get a wrap, a Subway or a smoothie for lunch....ALL under 500 calories. String cheese for a snack if I'm REALLY going to eat my own arm. Lots of water (I think I peed 8 times at work today). Normal dinner. OK, a dish of ice cream, but shit...a DISH, not a PINT. And I've ramped up the exercise from "Sloth" to "exercises more days than not".

Just. Fuckit. I thought I had it well in hand, good perspective going, etc, and then I stood on that damn scale.

Excercise done today: 45 minute bike ride

2 comments so far
LA - 2003-06-12 11:40:32
What the HELL is NORMAL? You seem pretty damn special to me. You work hard and care passionately about the work you do. You and the hub have a great relationship and seem to have avoided most of the newlywed prat falls. You garden and fix up your house and use your new freezer to buy in bulk (which is not only cost effective, but more environmentally sound. The juice to run a freezer is less costly and far more eco-friendy than constant trips to the store.) You are caring and compassionate. You are a good neighbor and a good citizen. All of those things have far more revelance than size 6 jeans and a standing appointment at the nail salon. Sweetie, I'm not denegrating your desire to be thinner. Most of us want that. But, pleeeeeeeze don't equate weight with worthiness. Your husband loves YOU, the vital and beautiful woman you are right NOW. I saw your wedding pictures. The joy radiating from both of you was a delight to behold. AND you were a GORGEOUS bride!!! If eating properly and excersizing are making you feel better, than the mission is accomplished, yes? It's discouraging to be stuck at a certain weight when you are working so hard, I know. Boy, do I know. But if you never lose a damn ounce you've more than "earned" the right to hold your head high, you've deserved it all along. ~LA
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ladyloo - 2003-06-13 13:10:06
Did you step on the scale before you started all of your good work? Because if you didn't then you have no idea how much good you've gotten out of all of the stuff you've been doing. And have you noticed any non-pound related benefits? Don't discount those. By the way, thanks for listing me as a favourite. I really appreciate it, and hope you find what you read somewhat interesting or entertaining.
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