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| 2002-03-12 - 9:00 p.m.
Financial crap
Had a partial message on my machine from a number that came up "unavailable". Woman didn't say who she was, just said "call me". Number was cut off before she finished. It wasn't anyone I knew. If someone was calling because I'm a deadbeat, wouldn't they identify themselves? Let me clarify...I'm not a total deadbeat, but since I've set up automatic payments for most of my stuff, I sometimes get messed up. Oh. And I have a ton of debt, which weighs on me regularly. So anyhow, I'm convinced that call was a deadbeat call, and I've been feeling guilty all evening. Isn't money fucked up? I mean, really. We attach so much other meaning to it. Like, because I have lots of debt, I am a leser person, a stupid person, an irresponsible person. I pay my bills (even though I goof up now and then). Yes, credit card debt is not the best use of one's money. I got into trouble with my first job. I made 13k a year. That was in 1992. I took home 800 bucks a month. I was supposed to live on that. Well, that little two year experience, plus the move to my new job, put me in a hole I don't think I can ever dig out of. Maybe I can dig out of it after we're married, when we're splitting expenses on things like the house and insurance and stuff. I hope so. My 403b is doing ok, and I have an IRA and some stocks. The future is being taken care of. It's the right now that is troubling. So anyway, I spend a lot of time feeling like I totally suck because of poor money skills. And it doesn't even help that I'm working my ass off at work and still don't have enough money between checks. I'm everything our parents bitch about when it comes to Gen xers and their money skills. If I lost my job, I have NO cushion. Zip. I could sell my house, I suppose and that would probably pay off the house loan and most other debts. But then, my house is 200 bucks a month cheaper than a cheap apartment around here, so selling it would be stupid. Why couldn't I have wanted to be a doctor or lawyer, or some kind of computer genius? Why did I have to be a liberal arts geek? No one even RESPECTS liberal arts people....they just make fun of us. Now, I know I am not stupid, because a stupid person wouldn't be able to figure out all the automation stuff I've been doing at work. A stupid person wouldn't be able to do the problem solving with the automation that I've been doing. But obviously, I AM stupid, because I haven't figured out a way to take my brains and make money with them. Argh. I'm depressed and guilty and bummed out. Hmph.
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