| 2001-10-11 - 9:38 a.m.
Doldrums
So today is National Depression Screening Day. And boy, am I depressed. You know, the interesting thing is, I think I've always been depressed to some degree or another. Sometimes less than others, but always an underlying....grayness. Like I said, some times are less gray than others, but I don't remember ever feeling Really Happy. I think they call it dysthymia. I've never been unable to function, I've never tried to hurt myself, but there's always a....glumness to me. So why don't I do something about it? I'm smart enough to realize that I could get a scrip for Prozac or Zoloft or whatever in no time. I take those depression screening tests, the ones with the yes or no answers, and I'm just ticking off yesses. Tired? Check. Can't make decisions? Check. Feel guilty or anxious? Check. Check. Hopelessness? Yup. Mood swings? DING DING DING. And I know that telling someone who is depressed to "snap out of it" is about as reasonable as telling someone with a broken leg to snap out of it. It's not a failure of character, it's a chemical problem. I know these things, yet I refuse to do anything to fix myself. What is up with that?! Well, for a long time, I told myself I didn't want drugs because I'd lose my medical and wouldn't be able to fly. Eh heh. I haven't flown in at least two years, and my medical has expired. Of course, being on an antidepressant won't allow me to get a new one, should the time come. But still. That's a lame excuse. (Tangent: why does the FAA prefer pilots be depressed and flying around, rather than medicated and NOT depressed and flying around?) So now I'm thinking I don't want to deal with the side effects. OK, especially the sexual ones. I finally HAVE a sex life, why should I mess it up? Or maybe, just maybe, feeling this way is....comfortable. It's like my holey butt jammies when I was sick. I wrap myself up in this feeling of grayness and it's unpleasant, but it's familiar. I KNOW this feeling. I don't know feeling not depressed. I don't know "normal". How messed up is that? And it doesn't help that it's October in the midwest, and it's been raining since yesterday, and will continue raning all weekend. And it's getting dark at 6 in the evening. And I have to go back to work next week. It's all combining to make me want to crawl in my bed until at least April. As my week off winds down, you'd think I would be gearing up to go back to work with renewed energy and vigor....but no. It's only dread. I like staying home. I like doing my thing when I want to. I'm a lazy person. Speaking of which, I'm going to nap now. (HEY...I was up at 5:30 to go skating, so it's not like I just woke up!)
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