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| 2001-09-16 - 5:25 p.m.
Sunday ramblings
Given the events of the week, it feels as though anything I might write here is...is...trivial. Pointless. Unimportant. There's nothing I can say that "matters", given what has happened. And anytime I find myself thinking about my own life, my own concerns, my own wants, anytime I find myself not feeling bad about the World Trade Center attack, I find myself feeling guilty. "Ohhh, how can you even think about being unhappy about THAT, look how people are REALLY suffering". I'm sorry. I want my life back. I want my own petty, self involved concerns back. And I'm starting to think THAT'S what those terrorists did---the major damage---they cast a pall over us that will take a very long time to shake. Let me just say, I'm sick and tired of the pray/god thing. I'm listening to our station right now, and NPR is broadcasting a freakin' MASS. I do not know how people can find comfort in god now. Where was god on Tuesday? Hmm? Did he love the person who overslept in some kind of extra special way, but hate the people on the airplanes? I can't see hope here, I can't find comfort in a god who is supposedly loving and forgiving and merciful, who would let this happen. Can't do it. His eye is on the sparrow? Apparently he missed four jetliners while he was watching the sparrow. I did cry last night. I had been afraid to...afraid once I started, I'd never stop. It was an odd time to cry, probably understandable, but odd nonetheless. I think I scared The Beloved. So how are things with The Beloved? Fine, I suppose. It's been an odd week, to say the least. We talked about marriage last night. I brought it up, of course. It troubles me a great deal that he can't even pin it down to a ballpark time. "Someday" just isn't cutting it. And it isn't fair to me. "Someday"? Let's see, would that be next year, or in 2015, or fucking never? I asked "do I need to be setting deadlines and giving ultimatums?" He said "that would NOT be a good idea". Fine. Whatever. How, you might wonder, can I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and yet be willing to give an ultimatum? Well, I've been thinking about that. And it dawned on me as I was driving home from his house this afternoon....if I choose to end the relationship at some time in the future, at least I know the outcome. No more "somedays" and "most likelys". The uncertainty would be done. I'm not ready to do that. But he needs to fish or cut bait, real soon.
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